


Not the same fate as mine

by liv_k



Category: Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, Post-Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 17:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18761038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liv_k/pseuds/liv_k
Summary: The only thing I can say for sure is that Anakin talks so much I barely have time to think. Which is something I’m terribly grateful for.Excerpts from the journal of a newly minted Jedi Knight.





	Not the same fate as mine

~~I have smiled so much these past few days my facial muscles hurt. Smile for the Queen, smile for the Chancellor, smile for the cameras. Smile for Yoda and the Council.~~

~~Above all, smile for the boy.~~

~~I've never felt less like smiling.~~

I am still on Naboo. It has been three days.

I wish I could spar.

 

*

 

I am finally back at the Temple; I suppose an entry is in order.

~~I would never have thought~~

~~It began~~   ~~When we~~ ~~It happened~~

I find I am at loss.

With all my belief in the power of words, I'm beginning to think that some things just cannot be conveyed. Perhaps it's for the better: let memories, sensations and emotions fade into the Force. Maybe, if never put into words, they will one day hurt less.

Who am I trying to fool?

Stick to the facts, one could say, but it's an exercise in futility. Naboo Security has provided the Archives with footing of the whole incident; there is no need for me to write down what happened. By the way, I have not seen the footage; I think I never will. At any rate, its testimony is certainly more reliable than mine: my memories are but a red blur.

The only thing I can say for sure is that Anakin talks so much I barely have time to think. Which is something I’m terribly grateful for.

Oh, here he comes.

 

*

 

And so it began: today we had our meeting with the Council of First Knowledge to devise a course plan for Anakin. I feel for him: coursework was hard enough for me, his schedule is going to be a nightmare. I suppose Dex will get more than his usual share of Jedi founds over the next few months: the least I can do is give the boy a few treats.

Another thing that came out of the meeting was that, apparently, slaying a Sith Lord in mortal combat makes you qualify not only for Knighthood but for lightsaber classes too. Master Drallig's schedule is full, so he will just teach Anakin the basic drills. The rest falls upon me.

When I brought the outcome of the meeting before the High Council for approval, Master Windu proposed to have Anakin join the Initiates classes, and I found myself forced to take exception. Just imagine, me going against the Master of the Order. 

I said I wouldn't subject the boy to what he will inevitably perceive as humiliating, being taught with children half his age. A Jedi shall know no pride, I know, but Anakin is not a Jedi yet. In time he will learn. I am glad that Master Gallia and Master Koon sided with me; in the end, even Yoda agreed.

It looks like I'm taking up the mantle of maverick, doesn't it? Wherever you are, Master, I hoper you're having a good laugh.

Ah. I was almost forgetting. Satine sent condolences. It's hard to tell from a hologram, but she looked well. I do hope she is happy.

 

*

 

I already spoke of the perks of slaying a Sith Lord in mortal combat. Today I discovered the downside.

Sparring triggers memories. In hindsight it shouldn't have been a surprise, but it was, and a most unwelcome one.

I would never have thought I would say this, but thank the Force I was sparring with Vos, and not with Garen or Tachi. Apparently, Quin's line of work has somehow managed to put some tact in him; this is something I can't say for either Garen or Siri. 

Of course Quin's first thought was the Mind Healers, but he agreed with me that some people on the Council would jump at the excuse to reassess my suitability as a Master, and this is something I can't allow to happen.

Still, I need to fix this issue before I start one-on-one training with Anakin: he needs a Master in control. So in control I will be.

It is somewhat contrary to the point, but I wish I could just go out and get drunk.

Actually I could - Vos thinks I should, and who else is surprised? - but with all the coursework Anakin has we barely see each other during the day. I am not going to leave him alone in the evenings too. Besides, only the Force knows what kind of mechanical devilry I might find upon my return. No, better stay home and keep an eye on the boy.

 

*

 

Garen tells me I look better; Siri Tachi – and I’m quoting here – says I look like shit. Bant just sighs. Reeft, of course, just eats.

It seems my mirror agrees with Tachi: I can’t say I liked what I saw when I shaved this morning. Maybe I should eat more.

I certainly should sleep more. Incidentally, Anakin and I make for a fine pair of insomniacs. When I woke up tonight - I don't even need to say what I was dreaming of - I found him tampering with a droid on the couch. ~~I can't fathom how he managed to turn our living room into a dumpster in less than a week.~~ I suppose he's not used to having this many things around. Anyway, it comes out he has trouble sleeping: he says he has always had, for as long as he remembers. It doesn't surprise me: his connection to the Force is impressive. Overwhelming, even, and dreams are an obvious outlet for the abilities he repressed for so long. In time, as he learns control, they will pass. Or so I hope: I don't wish upon him the burden of Force premonitions. 

One of my suspicions turned out to be true: indeed, Anakin seems to find his peace of mind in tinkering with mechanical objects. Peculiar, to say the least. He showed me how to reprogram a vocabulator to make it compatible with non-droid units. The result is that our fridge now starts speaking every time we open the fruit compartment. For some reason, it only speaks Shyriiwook. It's quite entertaining, to be honest. I hope our laughing fits didn't wake our neighbours in the middle of the night.

Even after all this, though, Anakin didn't want to tell me what he dreamed of. I believe it was his mother.

~~I wish I could say I don't know how it feels to miss a parental figure.~~

 

*

  

Today I lost my Padawan. We lasted together little more than three weeks.

I blame the debacle on astronavigation, my archenemy of old. It was clear from the start that Anakin doesn't share my belief that flying is for droids, so asking Garen to tutor him seemed the natural choice. What I gained for my troubles was that Garen put the boy in a starfighter, and now they've been gone for hours.

Thit is the reason why I write this journal in the first place: I learn from my own history so I'm not doomed to repeat it. I will introduce Anakin to Vos when I'm dead. 

On the other hand, I'm looking forward to introducing him to Tachi. Garen says Anakin is cute, and I must admit he is endearing: I'm sure he will manage to thaw even Siri's icy heart, and I will enjoy every second of it.

The nightmares won't stop, neither for me nor for Anakin. I'm getting sick of all that red. 

 

*

 

I really wish Qui-Gon was here.

I’m not sure I’m ready for this Padawan business, and I have no idea how to deal with Anakin's nightmares. He won't tell me what they are about, he won't meditate. We just spend our nights tinkering. It's not how it should be done. I am afraid I'll soon start spoiling him rotten. Look at me, Jedi Knight of the Republic, fussing over a child like a mother hen.

I should ask for help, I know I should, but I can't risk the Council taking Anakin away from me. I promised I would train him, and I will.

I even tried searching the  _HoloNet_ for "Force-sensitives nightmares". Well, the results certainly made for an entertaining read; apparently, there is a Corellian Heavy-Isotop band named Force Nightmare. I had to laugh at my own folly, but self-pity will get me nowhere. Neither will all this caf, and I even hate the stuff, but I barely sleep and what else am I supposed to do?

All in all, today is not a good day.

I can't even spar, and no amount of meditation seems to change that.

I lost control again in the Halls. Quin said I scared him.

All I see when I ignite my saber is red.

 

*

 

Shall I start from the good news or the bad?

Let's start with the good news, laced with a little optimism. I spoke to Master Drallig: I had to. Anakin can't be taught by a Master who goes on a murderous spree every time he lays his hand on a weapon. Master Drallig believes it will pass; according to him, it is a common occurrence in such a scenario. I don't know how "common" applies to the scenario "Master killed by a Sith Lord", but I will defer to Master Drallig's wisdom, of course.

The bad news is, he told me he believes that what triggers my memories is my using the same moves Master Qui-Gon and I used during the duel. He believes that switching to another saber form could provide a solution, at least for the moment.

Needless to say, I'm not particularly happy with the idea. Ataru in our lineage goes back to Yoda himself, and almost everything I know on lightsaber combat I owe to Qui-Gon's training. Switching to another form tastes like betrayal.

Well, a Jedi's lot is to learn how to let go. For the moment, I will settle for a less ambitious but more realistic "learn how to pretend to have let go".

I am summoned to the Halls of Training next week to see what form will suit me best.

 

*

 

First day off with my Padawan. 

I never thought about what visiting Coruscant for the first time could feel like; Anakin was in awe.

Unfortunately, the awe soon morphed into a crazed frenzy.

Where he stores all that energy - or the ice-cream, the candies and the two cheeseburgers he ate, for that matters - is beyond me.

Dex loved him. I am exhausted.

I think I'm going to sleep twelve hours straight.

Maybe tonight we won't dream.

  

*

 

A Jedi shall know no pride. A Jedi, though, still knows humiliation, and going through katas weaponless because I'm afraid of myself was the epitome of humiliating.

Shii-Cho we didn't even try. Soresu is not my style: too static and, I must say, a form focused on defence becomes boring soon enough. Juyo, the style of aggression, is out of the question. Shien is off the table too: I'd sooner be dead than use the revers grip all its practitioners seem to favor. It's ugly. Master Drallig says I am vain; I suppose no one is perfect.

As for Djem-So, I don't have the brute force it requires.

Unexpectedly, I found Nieman much to my liking: double wielding is perhaps a little flamboyant but, if done right, Form VI is well-balanced, physically challenging and aesthetically pleasing. I think I will give it a try: I could even use Qui-Gon's crystal for the shoto.

What surprised me most, though, is Master Drallig's verdict: he believes I would be proficient in Makashi, no less. It's a pity Master Dooku left the Order; I am not party to the specifics, but I seem to understand Qui-Gon's death played a role in his decision. Be it as it may, Master Drallig himself offered to tutor me as soon as the Initiate term is over: I was speechless for a good ten seconds. I like Makashi fine, but I must admit I'm not looking forward to specialize in a form meant for saber-to-saber combat. I've had my share of duels with Force-wielders for a lifetime. Besides, if the Sith are really never more than two, what odds are there I will have to confront the other too?

We shall see what form the Force has in store for me.

In the meantime, I promised Anakin I would take him to the theater tonight. I must go get ready.

 

*

 

Now that I know, I wish I didn't.

Anakin's shields are not yet strong enough and our morning meditation betrayed him.

Apparently, the Naboo Security didn't think a child was out of place in their headquarters, especially not the child who had blown up the mother ship. They didn't pay him any mind, and he slipped in as they watched the security recordings: he saw it all.

I saw his dreams. It was him behind the ray shield, and me in the generator core.

It was the first time in my life I had to comfort a crying child. By the end of it, I was more distressed than he was. When at last he stopped crying he hugged me and thanked me and sauntered away towards the next droid adventure. Children.

Me, on the contrary, he left behind with words that will haunt me for a long time.

_Master, will you leave me alone too?_

 

*

 

I can't stop thinking about Anakin's nightmares. Too focused on my own grief, on my own loss, I never fully grasped the extent of his loneliness. True, I lost Qui-Gon, and before him I lost Tahl. But I still have Quinlan, Luminara, Bant, Reeft, Garen, Siri. I have Master Yoda, Master Windu, Master Drallig. Master Koon and Master Gallia. Ali-Alann.

The whole Order.

And then I have Dex and Guerra Derida and many more friends across the Galaxy.

I have Satine.

Anakin has only me. I can't imagine how the fear of being left alone in the world must be eating at him.

I will not let him go through what happened to me.

I will not fail him.

His fate will not be the same as mine.

I will not leave him alone. 

 

*

 

In the end the choice wasn't even a choice. Soresu it is.

My survival has just become of the utmost importance - not that it wasn't before, of course, I like life well enough, but now is paramount. 

A Jedi wields is lightsaber in defence, and in defending myself I'm defending my Padawan as well. 

Perhaps Soresu is the most Jedi-like form of all.

 

*

 

I spent so much time in the Training Halls I didn't even realize I haven't been writing for two weeks.

It was worth it.

Today my defeat was my triumph.

Predictably, Vos wiped the floor with me, but I managed to see the duel to its end without lashing out at my opponent. On second thought, I should have: he isn't taking my commitment to Soresu seriously. He says I'm too flashy for it. I'll show him  _flashy_ in a year, and that's a promise. Oh, and don't even get me started on his uncivilized innuendos - or, well, straight out crudities - on the  _Way of the Mynock._

Of course my form was appalling; I wasn't defeated before the minute's mark only because I threw in the mix a great deal of Shii-Cho and, to my utmost delight, some Ataru as well. There is much room for improvement, but I'm getting the feel of it.

I must say that Form III looks versatile. Perhaps I'll manage turning it into something actually entertaining: I am not going to let my Padawan see lightsaber training as a boringendeavour. Soresu itself will have to adapt to our recreational needs.

I'm looking forward to teach Anakin all I know and all I will learn over the next years. I want him to see how much delight is to be found in the Force - and in sparring, of course.

Master Drallig is right: I sound vain and arrogant, but today I just can't find it in myself to indulge in self-flagellation: it just feels so good to be able to spar again.

It feels good to be looking forward to something again.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr at [The Dune Sea](https://livk-dunesea.tumblr.com). Ask box is always open and I'm happy to chat and share my love for Star Wars!


End file.
